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 Let's get my opinion out of the way at the opening bell: I don't spank my son and have no intention to do so. I do not believe it is necessary. Naturally, my wife and I have some friends who do accept spanking as a disciplinary measure while other friends do not. We all have friends in one camp or the other. And, both fortunately and unfortunately, spanking has become a hot button issue over the past 10-20 years for a variety of reasons.
Spanking was a topic I hadn't thought much about recently, but I recently received a suggestion from a ProActiveDads supporter (thanks Jill) who was curious what Dads thought about the subject. Her husband shares her opinion that spanking is unacceptable, but she mentioned that he was probably the only man she knew who had that view. Okay, so...what do Dads think about spanking?
While not technically spanking, I've had the impulse in recent weeks to slap my son's hand. He has discovered a couple of plugs in his room and loves to pull them out of the socket. Despite the warnings we parents receive on a regular basis about the dangers of exposed sockets and kids becoming crispy critters, I'm not a paranoid parent about my son getting electrocuted. But he's too young to respect the dangers of playing with electricity and he has the very real danger of pulling the items off the shelf as he pulls the cords. Getting a one-year-old to understand the dangers of anything in a way other than experience can be challenging. But electric shock and falling objects are two things I'd like to help him avoid.
Do I smack his hand? Will that teach him the lesson? Will it teach him other lessons? Since receiving Jill's suggestion, I've been doing a great deal of research. As I mentioned earlier, this topic is a hot button. Its controversial. Most folks seem to be a bit extreme on one side or the other. The notion of "spare the rod, spoil the child" seems to be most popular with folks who were spanked themselves and they "turned out okay". Even the Bible says that corporal punishment is acceptable, so who are we mere mortals to deny such rules? They see it as an effective method of imparting parental authority, teaching a lesson, and keeping children safe. Those against corporal punishment can also be amongst those who were spanked as a child, perhaps excessively so. Spanking opponents like the famous Dr. Sears are of the mindset that spanking "demonstrates that it's all right for people to hit people, and especially for big people to hit little people, and stronger people to hit weaker people".
Surprisingly, I found quite a few studies suggesting that spanking has many benefits including better performance in school and future career. As a rebuttal to these findings, another academic was quoted as saying, "I suspect that these parents don’t have much of a repertoire of parenting strategies, or maybe those children have behavior problems so the parents are more inclined to smack them". We posted a news article back in August 2009 about disabled students being spanked more often and I suspect it stems greatly from the frustration and exhaustion experienced by those parents and care takers who are at their wit's end. But that never excuses such behavior.
But enough of my rambling. Let's see what our fellow Dads think of spanking. Is it like ice cream with different flavors for different folks? Please add your comment below. For ease of summarizing, you may want to begin your comment with "FOR:" or "AGAINST:" and we can quickly see how the discussion is shaping up. Let us know why you are for or against spanking.
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The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.
My confession:
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against.. That's what they are, Christmas trees.
It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.
In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking..
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Hurricane Katrina). Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'
In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said okay.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Are you laughing yet?
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.
Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.
Pass it on if you think it has merit.
If not, then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.
My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,
Ben Stein
I have 5 kids, and we make our rules very clear in our house and if you break one of the rules then we take you in a room away from everyone else explain that they broke the rule and that they will be getting 3 spanks on their bottom from us for disobeying. Once the spanks are complete we take them, hug them, tell them we love them and remind them they must obey our rules and that we know they will do a better job in the future. We wait for them to finish crying while continuing to hug them and then return back to what we were originally doing.
I believe this form or discipline and correction helps deal with it correctly.
They all know this is the consequence for disobeying us and we consistently do the same things time after time.
I am a foster parent and I have been through and will continue to go through hours of parental training classes. For the record, no foster child can be spanked. For them, my wife and I use the alternative methods of discipline that are taught in the classes.
My own son is 13 now, I was a single father for the first 9 years of his life, starting at the age of 6 months. At his current age, or perhaps I should say with his current behavior, attitude, maturity, and discipline, I don't think I'll have to use spanking anymore. He was spanked twice while growing up. Once for a biting another child in preschool a second time. After the first time, we talked and he had received a time out. I don't remember what the second spanking was for. Since then, knowing that he may receive a spanking, I believe has helped him not to push past my limits that I set to help guide him. Does this mean that my son always does what I ask him to do and does it right away. *lol* no. Of course not. But one thing the parenting classes have taught me is that the discipline should fit the offense. So he didn't stop playing the xbox to take out the trash when I asked him too. Do I spank him? No, the xbox gets turned off for the rest of the evening, period. (oh, and the trash then gets taken out before anything else is permitted) I don't feel the need to spank him at that point.
He has always known and I continue to reinforce that we can talk about anything. He may not agree with my answers and I may not agree with his thoughts, but we talk. We talk a lot. I think this helps too. Your child should never fear you or be afraid that your going to hurt them.
I believe spanking has it's place along side of other forms of discipline. I don't think it should ever be done while the parent is angry. In the heat of the moment, so to speak. Send the child to their room. Cool off first. (Give yourself a timeout so to speak). Then talk with the child, they have to know why they are receiving the discipline. Then when your done, whether it was a time out, a removal from a game, a loss of the mp3 player for an hour or two, or a spanking, talk with the child again. I believe its very important for them to at least understand why your giving out the discipline you do.
I love the article Doria posted by Ben Stein! Odd how we continue to believe what the "experts" say, yet we turn away from the one we truly love and ignore what He has said.
If it comes to physical violence, then it's the parent that has failed, not the child. So the parent is obliged to self improve to the level where they can influence the child's behaviour, or at least remove the harmful influence. In the case of electrical sockets I can think of 2 possible solutions. (1) Remove the appliance and replace with protective covers (2) Make all sockets inaccessible.
At the end of the day, spanking is not a viable method of teaching children.
Cheers,
- BFG (http://www.babyfoodgrinder.org)
Raising children is a training process. We as fathers are to train our children in the way we want them to go. Just as our Father (God) trained the 1st people on Earth. Adam and Eve had the whole garden to live and use. They were given all authority over all creation. There was just 1 rule. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GARDEN God placed a tree that they were not to eat from. God did not hide the tree on the edge of the garden, He did not put it "out of reach" He did not make it so that they "could not get to it". He placed the tree in the middle of the garden where they would walk past it.
The reason I believe He did that is to give them the opportunity to choose to obey or to choose to disobey. The rule said you can do anything you want in this garden but eat of the fruit of this 1 tree. If you eat of the fruit of this tree you will surely die. There was a boundary, AND a consequence. We as parents need to give our children boundaries and be CONSISTENT in the consequences.
I do not take dangerous objects out of my sons way, and put them out of his reach. I teach him not to touch them and TRAIN him to obey my voice.
Spanking should not be looked at as a punishment, but as a training tool. Too many parents use spanking as a punishment and react instead of instruct. I spank my son, and he knows the difference between hitting and spanking. His mother who he lives with half time hits him out of reaction after he has pushed the limits too far. He test his boundaries until he gets a slap on the head, or a shoe on the head. He has learned that he does not have to respect his mother because she does not demand respect. She gives him no boundaries nor consequences. When he is with me I spank him for a consequence to his choices. When he was learning right form wrong ie. getting out of bed at bed time at age 1 1/2 and 2 he would get a spanking as soon as his foot would touch the floor. I would stand outside his bedroom out of line of site and watch him. When he got out of bed he received a spanking, this would continue until he realized that what daddy said was the final authority.
In doing this he learned how to subject himself to authority and be responsive to my voice. If I had let him "win" he would not learn to obey or respect me. What would that do to him later in life? When the law say do not steal, do not kill, do not hurt others, respect others boundaries. Why should he submit himself to those laws or rules, if he won't submit himself to his fathers? I am a Christian, and I do want him to submit himself to God's authority. If he can't submit to a parent how can he submit to God?
Spanking should never be done out of anger, but in a loving, and patient manner which teaches right from wrong. My son by no means wants a spanking form me, ( they do hurt/sting ) but he also knows the result from his choices. He also knows that when he gets the spanking that when it is over we are back to our parent son relationship, and that we can go back to what we were doing. There is no long drawn out punishment nor anger between us.
If a child cannot listen and obey a parents voice, what dangers wil that place the child in? A very old example is walking through the woods, you come up on a poisonous snake. You child is in front of you out of reach and you see it before they do. If you say "son, stop and walk back to me now" and they do not obey they get bit and die. If they know how to respect and obey they live.
Spanking is not abuse, abuse is abuse. My son knows I spank him because I love him not because I am angry or want to hurt him. He also knows that what I say if final. Children are different, I spank from time to time, not all the time. Some need more training, some need less, but the more you train the less you have to spank later as they get older.
Train up a child in the way he should go and he will not depart from it.
In my opinion, it's too easy for a child to grow up believing that putting your hands on someone in that manner is acceptable.
Today's youth aren't growing up disrespectable, unruly and unempathetic because they aren't being spanked - they're growing up that way from seeing constant media messages that desensitize them to the human experience.
That's my 2 cents...
Tessasdad (http://sahdinlansing.com)
Lastly, spanking doesn't teach anything to a child except to fear being caught for doing something wrong - (though in their eyes, they might not know what is right/wrong for the situation).
I will not use my body in an attempt to hurt or intimidate my kids, as a physical punishment does, whether you call it spanking, smacking, slapping, whacking,
whatever. The last thing I want my child to expect from me is pain or fear. I also believe in keeping anger out of our verbal communication with them, as they are learning by watching us.
That's my thinking on it.
That said, I can't imagine that when I do have children spanking will be my learning tool of choice -- and I certainly wouldn't campaign "for" it. Just some anecdotal evidence, devil's advocate stuff.
Our son has a yen for electrical sockets as well. I'm not going to say the way we discipline is easy, because it isn't. And spanking does yield quicker results. But I'm happy with the way we are doing things and very happy with how well behaved and sweet our boy is. As a pretty devout Jew and a Hebrew school teacher, I know the Bible has some quotes that can be taken at face value in support of spanking. All I can say about that is if we still read the Bible with no interpretation, women would be killed for cheating, judges would be threatening to cut babies in half, and our president could get away with sending a man to war in order to sleep with his wife.
Thanks for starting this discussion, even though it may get quite heated :)