Raising children is a balancing act. The minute they are born they become the most important thing in your life. You are transformed - but you don’t disappear. Your own hopes, dreams, ambitions, desires don’t vanish into thin air and you will be a better parent if you manage to maintain your own individuality and follow your own passions while also nurturing theirs. Children will thrive with happy, fulfilled parents and they don’t need the pressure of carrying all your hopes and dreams.

It is a bit easier to maintain the juggle now that my children are a little older -aged 7, 10 and 13- and are all in school full time. I’ve been asked time and again how I’ve managed to balance childcare duties with my own writing and music career. There is no simple answer beyond being fully committed to doing so, and having a wife who has always understood my need to keep writing and keep playing guitar – keep being myself.

I’m writing this post right now on a computer precariously perched on my lap, sitting in a park in a fold-up chair as my 7-year-old daughter practices soccer on a field in front of me. I’m struggling to finish because when her practice ends in 10 minutes, we’ll go home, where my sons are hopefully finishing up their homework, and I’ll make dinner for them all. After we eat, I’ll leave the kids with a sitter and rush across town to discuss my book, Big in China, at some friends’ book club. When I get home, hopefully my wife – herself exhausted from a long day at work – will still be awake, so we might have a glass of wine and some time to talk.

It’s a hectic schedule and there are times when I toss so many balls in the air I fear they will all will come crashing down. But I don’t want to give anything up, so I’ve grown accustomed to living with a certain amount of insanity and have adopted a simple motto: Embrace the Chaos! I suggest you do the same.

Alan Paul is the author Big In China (Harper) a memoir about raising three American children in Beijing and forming Woodie Alan, an award-winning blues band with three Chinese musicians. Ivan Reitman's Montecito Pictures has optioned the film rights. He also penned the "Panda Dad" blog essay on WSJ.com. His book has been added to the exclusive ProActiveDads "Dad Books" list and is available for purchase at Amazon.com or any major bookstore.

Society, the media, and researchers are frequently unkind to fathers, portraying them as incompetent or absent parents.  These stereotypes are damaging and hurtful to fathers who are taking an active role in their children's lives.

The flip side of this portrayal of fathers is an assumption that mothers are an extremely important influence and that any and all problems observed in children must be blamed on the their mistakes. This exists in research, in the media, and in society in general.

As a blogger who frequently combs through the latest parenting research, I have been frustrated with the assumptions that are made about gender roles when developing methodologies and carrying out research. For example:

• One study looked at the impact of maternal employment and work schedules on children's body mass index. It found that "an increase in the total time a mother is employed is associated with an increase in her child’s BMI; additionally, the association between maternal employment and children’s weight is much stronger at 6th grade relative to younger ages.” Where do fathers fit into this? Simple: "the role that fathers’ work plays in children’s physical health remains unexplored." Whether the father worked or not, what the father's work schedule was, whether the father was a stay-at-home dad (versus the child being in day care) was not even considered. Only the absence of the mother was considered important. When mothers go to work, people wonder who is taking care of their children. When fathers go to work, are they asked the same thing?

• A couple of studies in 2009 (Berlin and Strauss) looked at the impact of spanking on children and came to the conclusion that children who are spanked have a lower IQ  and are more aggressive than children who are not spanked. The studies did control for maternal education, but didn't even consider the father's education as a factor. This seems to assume that the mother is the only one making decisions about how the child will be disciplined and also the only one contributing (even genetically) to the IQ of the child.

• A 2010 study on Emotional Availability and Infant Sleep concluded that "parents' emotional availability at bedtimes may be as important, if not more important, than bedtime practices in predicting infant sleep quality." However, the study was based entirely on observations of "maternal practices" at bedtime.  At first, I cringed when I read this, thinking it was another case of assuming that only the mother could bring the baby to bed and also blaming her for poor sleep quality. However, when I got to the methodology section I found that fathers had been recruited for the study, but that too few of them interacted with their infants long enough at bedtime to capture and code the data.

As you can see from those studies, some assume right from the start that only mothering could have an influence and disregard the father completely. Others attempt to bring the father in, but are unable to do so either because he isn't playing an active role or because he is unwilling to participate in the study.  Those are just the researchers. If we go beyond that and look at the media, there are a whole host of other problems that get brought in. The media reports on these research studies and lays the blame on mothers. The media also likes to focus on the extremes and mock what they consider to be bad mothers while advertisers like to play on mothers' fears and seem to assume they are stupid.

Are researchers wrong to put so much focus on the mother and so little focus on the father? Are they doing so based on a true representation of the roles of mothers versus fathers in our society (in which involved fathers are an anomaly)? Or are they doing so based on old ingrained assumptions and biases about the role of the mother versus the role of the father in a family?

Researchers at the University of Maryland analyzed data on the time that mothers and fathers spend caring for their children. Using data from two studies, one that looked at the change from 1965 to 2000 and another that looked at the change from 2000 to 2003/2004, we can note that:

• Married fathers spent an average 6.5 hours a week caring for their children in 2000, a 153 percent increase since 1965.
• Married mothers spent 12.9 hours a week caring for their children in 2000, a 21 percent increase since 1965. Single mothers spent 11.8 hours, a 57 percent increase.
• In 2003/2004, 85% of mothers and 60% of fathers were engaged in any primary childcare (i.e. childcare was their primary activity at the time) and 95% of mothers and 82% of fathers were engaged in some secondary childcare (i.e. their primary activity was something else, but they were watching the kids at the same time).

Overall, these figures show that mothers are still doing the bulk of the childcare work within the family, but that fathers are involved too and that the degree to which fathers are involved is increasing significantly. This tells me that it is time for fathers to be given some of the credit and some of the blame (to the extent that credit/blame belongs on the shoulders of either parent) and it is time for researchers to stop assuming that only the choices and actions of the mother are relevant.

I don't want to turn this into a debate about who contributes more or who deserves more blame (for being absent or for screwing up while being present). I don't think that will help mothers or fathers or children. However, I do think that researchers and the media need to rethink their portrayal of mothers and fathers.

I also think that our society, as a whole, needs to put more value on parenting.  Mothers and fathers alike should be celebrated for the contribution that they make to their children's lives, rather than being blamed and ridiculed for everything that goes wrong.

Annie has been blogging about the art and science of parenting on the PhD in Parenting Blog since May 2008. She is a social, political and consumer advocate on issues of importance to parents, women and children. She uses her blog as a platform to create awareness and to advocate for change, calling out the government, corporations, media and sometimes other bloggers for positions, policies and actions that threaten the rights and well-being of parents and their children.

(This is the second in a two part series on adoption. A recent meeting with a woman currently in the adopting process made me realize the importance of discussing a topic I have thus far rarely mentioned.The first part discussed the meeting my wife and I had with her and what brought her to us. This part will go more deeply into the emotional aspects of adopting, being adopted, and foster care. You are encouraged to share your own thoughts on all of these as we discuss this important issue.)

Thank you for coming back to this three part series on adoption. As a means of beginning this second part, I thought you would want to know that my wife recently spoke to Betsy and things are moving along very nicely. It looks as though she, her husband, and their daughter will be welcoming a little boy into their lives in a few weeks! 

In the first part of this series, we talked about the incredible curiousity Betsy was feeling about what it was like to be a adopted. Her biggest question was "what do we tell him". Now we're going to look at that very important question and we will do so from both sides. What does a parent go through when discussion adoption or foster care with their kids? On the flip side, what do adopted kids feel when they think of their adoption and special place in the world of families?

As I briefly mentioned last week, parents treat the issue of adoption very differently. Some are secretive and prefer not to discuss the topic. Others, like my parents, are very open and honest, keeping a good line of communication with their child. I thought it best to ask adopting and foster parents directly what emotions and experiences they have had to help others understand what they went through.

The adopting parents I interviewed are actually my parents. Sure it was convenient, but they are also excellent examples of a loving couple who went through the adoption process. The foster parents, Ron and Marla, have years of fostering experience and are very experienced in the ups and downs of being a foster parent.

Although quite obvious, it is important to note the critical aspect of not having a biological connection in a family. For most of the world, this is taken for granted. Not so when you are an adopted or foster child. You are reminded of this fact regularly and it leads to many uncommon discussions in a family. My parents were always comfortable with the "notion that [they] were always 'mom' and 'dad'." I never wanted my "other family" or somehow used my adoption to try and hurt my parents. I knew who my parents were and that was that. Ron and Marla had a similar approach. Children coming into their home were given a choice: "you can choose to be a foster child or you can choose to be our child." This afforded them a very important bond with a child who wasn't theirs - accountability. This tremendously helps parents guide the relationship and children feel a sense of worth, responsibility, boundaries, and acceptance. To their credit, not one of their foster kids ever chose to be "foster kids".

Nearly every adopting or foster parent will tell you, the journey to hold such a title is no easy path. Every aspect of your life can be harshly scrutinized, your home redesigned, your lifestyle questioned, your religious beliefs held against you, and your very morals deemed unworthy. A cousin of mine recently adopted a little girl from Africa. Before she met her, I asked why she chose an African child and her answer surprised me, but probably shouldn't have. She told me that as a single woman, who was Jewish, and employed full-time, and in her forties, she had found it nearly impossible to find any agency that would help her in the United States. My own parents waited three and a half years before finally being matched with me. During those years, they went through classes, group meetings, interviews, and watching every other set of parents in their group receive a child. They were dead last. Ron and Marla experienced their own arduous road with classes, home visits from social workers, extensive interviews, and home remodeling. In Marla's words, "there is so much work that goes into this job, you really need to want it - badly." I was on the other side of that coin. I know for a fact that had I "rejected" my adopting parents -that is the word the adoption agency used- I would have been removed. My parents and I can honestly say we chose our family. I take a great deal of pride in knowing what my folks went through to become parents and that we truly did choose and accept each other. It is comforting to know that minus a biological connection, we have something special that unites us as a family. Something rare and unique.

But not everything about adoption and foster parenting is rare. There is one trait that unites all parents no matter how their families came together - patience. Those parents in the system need an amazing sense of patience as their lives are picked apart by "the system". Once families are together, parenting is parenting. Patience is a requirement but parents who adopt or foster children need a little extra. For foster parents like Ron and Marla who cared for teenagers, they remembered they were "working with wounded souls, not broken, and they can be healed." My parents probably didn't need much extra because I was an angelic child and nearly perfect. (You believe me, right?)

When you choose to bring someone else's child into your life, you are accepting a wonderful responsibility and making what is arguably the most impactful choice on this planet. My dad had some advice for anyone considering adoption and I'll mention a bit of it here: "First and foremost - NEVER consider adoption of a child as a vehicle to cement a rocky marriage. Babies are not some form of vaccine for what ails you. Be a couple or single parent secure in your belief that your desire is to be a good parent to someone who needs you in their life." He also suggested, "don’t become a pompous ass as an adoptive parent, with an ego that somehow suggests you’re more qualified as a parent than a biological parent. The reverse is equally true – you’re no less a parent if you are an adoptive parent." I think Ron and Marla's advice to those looking at becoming foster parents was unique and incredibly helpful. "[B]e realistic in your goals.  If you do it right, there is absolutely no money in it. Do not expect large miracles like rainbows and angels singing – you have to settle for small daily miracles like the table set, the dishes done – a hug or a B+ on a test."

I'd like to close part two of this series with my own advice for those considering adoption. Find the courage to be open with your kids about their adoption and always be willing to help them understand what it means. Your family will have unique moments of pride and special questions throughout your lives regarding the adoption. They are easier to share when you already know what adoption means and that is true for each of you.

(This will be the first in a two part series on adoption. A recent meeting with a woman currently in the adopting process made me realize the importance of discussing a topic I have thus far rarely mentioned.The first part will discuss the meeting my wife and I had with her and what brought her to us. The second will go more deeply into the emotional aspects of adopting, being adopted, and foster care. You are encouraged to share your own thoughts on all of these as we discuss this important issue.)

I've never been an adoption evangelist. Supporter is an accurate description, but I don't usually give my opinion on the subject to those who don't ask. I also don't usually discuss the fact that I myself am adopted. If someone asks I will certainly tell them, but I don't wear a t-shirt that says, "I'm adopted. Yeah for me."

All of that being said, I am extremely and eternally thankful that I was put up for adoption by young, new parents who realized they weren't able to handle such responsibility. I'm also grateful to have been adopted by a loving and prepared couple who were truly ready to be parents. I am a very fortunate person in both regards.

A woman in my wife's mom group -"Betsy"- recently asked her if she and her husband could spend some time with us to discuss adoption. Specifically, they wanted to know what it means to be adopted. They were in the process of adopting a child and were curious about how to discuss it with their child as he or she grew up. We were more than happy to help.

A week before our scheduled meeting, Betsy and her husband received some good news - a match had been found. Due to a collection of legal, scheduling, and family reasons, the adoption agency was hoping to place the little boy with Betsy and her husband in three weeks. This meant they had a lot to do and more than a handful of strong emotions to sift through in a very short period of time. But it also meant that her husband had to get a few things done and couldn't join her to meet with us.

When we finally got together, and after the usual small talk about our beagle and basset hound dogs, her first question was exactly what I expected: "what do we tell him". I believe most parents understand the importance of being open and honest with your child about something as important and life-altering as adoption, but I'm glad she was asking and open to discussion. My wife and I both shared our experiences and how our parents handled it. Mine were very upfront with me for as long as I can remember. For my wife's parents, her adoption was a difficult subject and not a blunt topic of conversation. It took both of us a while to describe our circumstances and give her a solid understanding of why our parents felt they way they did. After both of us answered, she seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. She told us they had already planned on being open with the boy about being adopted, but they weren't quite sure how or what to say. Our stories gave her some ideas and suggestion she said were extremely helpful.

That first question was the foundation for all of her curiosity. Over a three hour chat, we talked about unique aspects of being adopted, the different ways it can occur in the State of California, and the special reminders that will unfold throughout his life to remind him he's adopted and how wonderful it is. Common comments such as, "that runs in the family" or a doctor requesting family medical history have unique meaning to a family of adoption. My wife and I shared many anecdotes about our childhoods and what being adopted meant to us. We talked about its impact on our son and the frustration of not having a true medical history for him. We also told her some stories of other adopted children we knew growing up and how traumatic it was for them to discover their adoption late in life.

As I shared earlier, I'm thankful for the many brave decisions made by the adults in my life. My adoption has always been a source of pride for me and although I know my adoptive parents are also proud, I certainly hope my biological parents are too. Before Betsy left, I wanted to make sure she took as much from our discussion as she could. She said she had no more questions so I told her my opinion of how loving and generous she and her husband are for adopting. They have a great deal to be proud of and they will have a very special family.

As a side note, I remember seeing a refrigerator magnet that says "friends are the family we choose for ourselves". I don't think that is accurate. Friends are friends. But when you adopt a child, that bond is truly about the family we choose. A child chooses their parents and their parents -through great love and generosity- choose a child.

I spend a lot of my parenting thoughts contemplating my son's future. I suppose its natural, since so much of my responsibility is to prepare him -as best I can- for what awaits. Incidentally, I am constantly reminded of how monumentally difficult that task is.

The generations before me witnessed the birth of television, the Civil Rights struggles, the emergence of new nations, the fall of old empires, the power of a microwave, the splitting of the atom, and the birth of the internet. All of those things are truly wonderous to behold in context of how quickly they blossomed.

Yet with all of that awe and recognition, I still say with confidence that my generation -Generation Y, The Millennials, The Echo Generation, whatever- has seen the greatest and fastest social transformation in modern times. Nay, perhaps of all time. With each glance at the news we are shown a new technological innovation like 3D televisions, a new social dynamic like revolutions beginning on Facebook, or a new way for children to be brought into this world as we strive toward perfection via genetic modification.

We eliminate geographic distance barriers through Skype and email and replace them with emotional barriers by never interacting. It seems we are spending more time developing ways to spend less time with each other. Just today I read an article about a "train of cars" being developed by Volvo in which the lead truck is driven by a human, but all of the cars behind -as well as their human passengers- are controlled by computers monitoring the lead truck. When asked why they would do this, a Volvo spokesperson responded that it would enable the human passengers to eat breakfast and read the newspaper on the way to work. Do we really need to spend millions of dollars and thousands of hours devising ways to eliminate a meal with our family?

As I said in the beginning, one of my primary responsibilities is to prepare my son for his future. Quite a job. I find myself in a quandry about how to go about doing so. One resolution I have made is that he will not be raised with a bend towards social compliance. I hope he understands a moral difference between right and wrong and to stand up for himself and others when an injustice is being committed. I want him to him know the value of hard work, the meaning of an investment of time or money or emotion, the power of persuasion, and the responsibility of leaving this world better than he found it.

The responsibility of raising a child crosses all our minds. What paths does your mind stroll when thinking of tomorrow? What do you hope for? What do you fear? And most importantly, how do you prepare your child for the unknown?